i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
