He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
