I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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