Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
