I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
