You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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