Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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