I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
