So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
