from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
