somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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