well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
