Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize