You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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