I wish I could teleport
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize