he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
