I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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