Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
