dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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