Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
