got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
