No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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