Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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