he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
