my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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