Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
