My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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