I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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