I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
