Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
