No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize