My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
