I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
