And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
