My underwear smells like fireworks.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
