i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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