i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
