You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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