She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize