cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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