Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
