Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
