After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
