just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
