Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Randomize
