I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
