omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
