This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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