Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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