I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
