Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
