You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
