Got a toothbrush?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
