so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
