I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
