i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
