Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
