dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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