He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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