in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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