fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
