if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize