Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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