just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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