Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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