It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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