As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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