Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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