turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
