he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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