bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
