Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
