Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
