yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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